“Sexual Anorexia”
A post-sadorexic´s world view
When I grew up, my mother used to tell me that we as humans "eat like we make love". At the time I didn't get what she was saying, but as I became older, finding myself both anorexic and terrified of life, that statement made more and more sense to me. Here’s why.
I had some kind of sexual anorexia - Restrained, restricted, restored from the dirt, the shame of having a want, rid the body of its need and fluids, cleaning, clenching, cleansing.
The sentence “I want”, was foreign to me. Am I allowed to have a want? Well, who ever thought that the anorexic wasn't hungry? She's starving, she´s masochistically overpowering (or rather outpowering) herself. How long can I hold? It's an extreme form of edging. Edging to death - there is no release, only constant desire, a longing, never to be fulfilled - unless of course, she succumbs to the desire. The hierarchy of anorexics says you better be on top of the restrictive pyramide, like some Jeanne d'Arc of the bones. The ascetic transcendence can in itself be erotic - but it's not earthly, not connected to other humans, not mundane - It´s aliens & anorexia (btw. title of a Chris Krauss book, check it out). It's a form of a mastery(batory) act; I control me, I have autonomy, or so she thought. The orgasm is called “the little death” - but My God (pun intended) she is taking it too far.
I remember my first day as a psychology student at the Institute of Clinical Sexuality, a pioneering clinic who's done immense work on breaking stigma, especially helping people with their troublesome turn ons. My supervisor asked me if I liked to cook? (which I didn't at the time). They shared their recipe for some exquisite mayonnaise, and how to use a hand blender. I couldn't help but look at this as very ironic, the meta-test. Can you hold erotic tension, can you feel with all your senses, be sensually engaged without freaking out? Because that is a requirement in this job. I was hesitant, not giving my supervisor any praise for sharing their pleasure recipe. It was a test: Are you in contact with your desire? Because if not, you will block someone else's erotic energy. That will be malpractice in our field.
Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe they just tried to smalltalk with me. But, I don't do small talk, or rather, it's never small to me. I analyze, I systematize. And I certainly don't care about food recipes over the lunch table - unless it's metaphorically. So, again, this might just be me trying to make people more interesting than they actually are, but also, making sure whatever test I was potentially exposed to - I would get it, I would not be a fool, I´m in on the joke (as Adam Phillips says).
The anorexic a-sexual kink (yes, I'm aware of the paradox), is often to use a sense memory of some foods texture and smell, looking at other people ingesting their pleasure. That's why so many anorexics love cooking for others - fetishizing watching others indulge in what they can't allow themselves. Or, put more anorexically; I'm better than you, I control my impulses, I don't let my earthly body direct me. That is a sadorexic´s world view.
So, mum - or anyone else - if you're wondering how I stopped edging myself to death? I had a real earthy, mundane release. Ah, you wonderful creature who sucked my feet! The feet that had walked the earth, but never felt the ground - always flying above like an alien, that you've now managed to ground. A full body(ly) orgasm. That moment, I knew I had to start eating again. Indulge in pleasure. Because yes (!), “we do eat like we fuck”, and “oh my fucking God (!)” how amazing it is to be alive! The complex of embodiment was beginning to heal.
